The title speaks for itself. i could not imagine any situation where an individual would enjoy having someone throw up in their minivan. Unfortunately for me some nerd ass college freshman didn't know how to handle his alcohol. It was bad, it was messy, it was the worst fucking time. Here's how this shit went down.
    9:30 pm Friday night im getting ready to start picking people up to drive them to their respective parties. my van is clean, I got my Redbull on deck, and my swag is through the roof. I hop into my dope ass minivan and speed off towards the freshman dorms on campus. I arrive and call this Jabroni fuck, I let him now im in the parking lot. He responds " hey are you driving a minivan?" i retort " fuck yes". Nonetheless these 6 kids come up to my car and question my sobriety. I tell them if they don't want a ride then don't get in. Some left, most stayed. I pull out of the parking lot and attempt in engaging them in conversation, that shit didn't fucking work. I take a left out of the parking lot and burn rubber down the road. I am driving for approx 2 minutes when i hear " Roll the window down"... here's the thing I drive a fucking minivan, I cant roll down the back window.. only pussy ass cars have that pussy ass option. I knew what was about to go down and boy was my fucking blood boiling. as I pull over this fuck head just lets loose his entire dinner, which I pretty sure consisted of a lot of fucking green beans... He throws up into my cup holders, all down the side of my freshly tinted windows, and on my freshly cleaned carpeted floor. I pulled over and kicked the entire group out. that was the first ride of my night. Lucky for me it was also the worst ride of the night. The remainder of the night was filled with swag and dopeness.
        The moral of this story is DO NOT EVER FUCKING EAT GREEN BEANS AND THEN DRINK A LOT OF DUBRA. Also do not ever throw up in my minivan. Next time that happens im going to jail for manslaughter.

The door of my mini van slid back abruptly one frosty evening. I was curious and terrified at the same time it was a really fucked up feeling. Nonetheless it occurred to me that the reason my door slid back was because I was sober driving drunk kids all night and charging them to get home safe. which believe it or not, is a fucking premium at college. I would compare finding sober drivers and receiving your diploma of equal value. everything else is secondary... everything.  Once I gathered my wherewithal I instructed the 6 Jabronis getting in my car that it was 2 dollars a person for the ride, they obliged willingly. I knew those nerds had to much fear inside of them to try and not pay for the ride.
    The rest of my night went exactly like this. I finished driving and felt like a pile of shit from all the 5 hour energies I had taken during the night. I'm kinda pissed because I figured if I took four 5 hour energy shots I'd be floating around 20 hours worth of energy. Boy was I right. I seveerly underestimated what 20 hours worth of energy feels like. It sucks. I felt like a junkie. Shakes, shivers, pupils diallated to maximum capacity. I tried to lay down but it wouldn't work. so i gave up, I paced in the kitchen for another 4 hours before I was able to have a clear thought about my life and what I care about. shit got weird.
    The moral of the story is to buy a minivan, If I didn't have a minivan I never would have had the fantastically terrible night.

    Sir. Swagalot

    Im use to swaggin on things at the least appropriate times.


    October 2012